On Sunday I will officially be allowed to go out again. My week of quarantine will have finished just in time for me to go back to work.
The fracture in my foot hadn't fully healed so I have had to continue to wearing the CAM boot. On Wednesday I see the doctor again so I will find out if I can take it off or if I have to keep wearing it for another few weeks. It's been 12 weeks now so I am hoping that it wont be too much longer until I can take it off.
On Tuesday I have my second MRI to see if I have a pituitary tumour. Hopefully I will have some answers a few days after the scan so that I know what I am dealing with. I'm probably the only person in the world praying that I have a tumour as the thought of going blind scares me more. In addition to the problems with my peripheral vision I have also been having trouble with my short term memory.
Apparently short term memory loss can also be a symptom of a pituitary tumour. I had a neurological assessment last week which has shown that I have 'significant problems' with taking in new information. I've had trouble reading and haven't read a book in over a year. I'm always forgetting that I have to do something or ring someone. I've really struggled with studying and while I passed the subject I found it hard to remember anything said in class. At work I often forget to do something that my boss has asked me to. The worst thing though has been burning things on the stove. So many times I've put something on to cook, totally forgotten about it only to find a very burnt saucepan when the smoke alarm goes off. I tried lots of things to help me remember that I have something cooking on the stove. I set timers and then when the timer goes off I forget why I have set the timer!
I've been told there is nothing I can do to help improve my memory (another reason to hope I have a tumour) but I have been given some strategies to help me remember things. I now keep a book with me and write down anything I have to do. I also keep a book at work in which I write everything I am asked to do or need to follow-up. I have also been advised to postpone my studies as I struggled a lot last semester. I only have two subjects to go until I complete my Advanced Diploma of Accounting so I found it hard to accept that I needed to withdraw from the course this semester. The question remains however, 'what happens if it is not a tumour?'
As I start to count down the days until I have my MRI (3 days to go) the 'waiting' then begins all over again. Waiting to get the MRI results. If I have a tumour I'll be waiting to see the neurosurgeons and then waiting for whatever treatment will be required. If I don't have a tumour then another long wait begins for an appointment to see a Neuro-opthomologist at the Eye and Ear Hospital to find out if I will loose my sight.
How are you meant to feel while you wait for tests and appointments? How are you meant to feel when your told that you might have a brain tumour? How are you meant to feel when your told you might go blind? How are you meant to feel when your told you might have permanent short term memory loss?
No one tells you.
Are you allowed to feel angry with God, with yourself, with your body or with the world? Are you allowed to feel angry that your life has changed? Are you allowed to feel frustrated waiting for appointments? Are you allowed to feel as though you can't cope with anymore things? Are you allowed to feel sorry for yourself? Are you allowed to have bad days? Are you allowed to cry?
No one tells you.
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